


about the other night

by SNES



Category: Clarence (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Harm, breakdowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 16:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16245035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SNES/pseuds/SNES
Summary: So, maybe Jeff isn't alright. Maybe sometimes. Maybe only a little. Maybe not all the way. Maybe not at all.





	about the other night

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning ok.. idk how to tag a trigger warning but pls stay away from this if yall dont like self harm.. PLEASE thank u
> 
> so b4 you all proceed pls be reminded that this is honestly one of the most confusing things ive ever written 
> 
> i honestly rushed this all the way bc i was in a writing mood lmao, so im not even expecting this 2 b good tbh but anywayyyy

  
Sumo wakes up to Jeff curled in on himself on his own bedroom floor, his eyes blown wider than the glint of the night light. It's not like anything he's ever seen before.

Jeff flinches when Sumo realizes just what he was about to do.

(They were 16 and they were doing great. Sumo didn't know that out of all people, Jeff would be the one ironically left behind.)

He doesn't know if he should thank anyone for letting him witness this before it happened, or if he should even thank anyone at all. He has to question all of this, for sure. _Why did he have to be the one awake to see it? What could he do? Why the hell did Jeff have to look at him with scared eyes and slits down his wrist?_

He even starts to wonder how he got there. There were plans for a massive sleepover at the Randell's earlier on in the week, but the turn-out of that ended up to about a total number of two people; Clarence and Sumo. The larger blonde was already too deep in his sleep, left to his own devices. It wasn't a surprising result, this sleepover and everything, but if Sumo knew that this would happen, he wouldn't have let anyone else come between them. It was unexpected, and, oh, was it terrifying. But Sumo wants to help. He knows he can help.

The first thought that comes to mind is _what the fuck happened?_ But he thinks of what he can do to calm Jeff down like his own life depended on it. Jeff's wrist glimmers under the night light like a warning, but then there's blood. It's there and it isn't. Dribbling and dribbling and dribbling and--

"Jeff," he starts. "Don't."

His blanket drapes down as he attempts to approach Jeff, but the brunette instinctively backs away.

"What're you doin', man?!" He whisper-shouts, careful not to wake up Clarence from his slumber. He doesn't know if he should take a step back or forward.

_"Shut the fuck up!"_ He says in between sobs, but doesn't utter another word again. He breathes heavy, in and out and in and out until Sumo can't tell the difference.

"Calm down." He paces closer. "Now, give me that..." Jeff doesn't. Sumo doesn't understand how there's still space for Jeff to lean into the wall when he's already so far back. They're both scared of what to do next.

Sumo is suddenly hyper-aware of his own ragged breathing. "Can ya tell me how you're feelin'?"

A tear runs down Jeff's face. _He feels like fucking shit._

"Let go of that, man." He bites his lips out of anxiety. "Let me help--"

It's only then that Jeff lets go of the cutter that he's holding and folds in deeper on himself. He cries. Sumo takes this as a cue to hug and cradle him in his arms. He's alarmed by how much Jeff is shaking and sweating, but he doesn't say a thing.

They stay like that for a long time, only until Jeff rises up from Sumo's arms and whimpers. "I'm _sick_."

"No, man..."

"It hurts. It fucking hurts." He hisses at his wrist. "Ow, Clarence--"

"Don't mind him, dude. He's not-- you're fine."

"What do I do, Sumo?"

Sumo doesn't know what to say. Jeff says he's sick. Sumo might actually just think the same thing.

Instead, he says "go to sleep," much to Jeff's confusion, and lets the stars decide this one out for him.

He found himself still awake in the morning.

*

Two days after that incident and Jeff wonders why he's still alive. And breathing. And fine. And everything else that indicates his existence.

  
_Okay_ , so maybe the cuts weren't deep enough to actually kill anyone, but for doing it he feels so damaged and sinful and beyond repair, and of all the people who could have seen him in that state, it had to be Ryan _fucking_ Sumouski. _Great_. Just great.

Jeff admits to how shallow the whole thing was. He thinks it's stupid and preventable, if only he remembered how good things could be.

He regrets doing it for that fact alone. Sumo was one of the remaining people who actually looked up to him besides Clarence. And he just had to see that.

He's standing by his locker, preoccupied as he contemplates everything, until he hears a familiar voice down the halls.

"Jeff." Sumo calls him with a tap to his shoulder. Jeff flinches. "Can we talk?" He wants to say no.

Instead, he replies with "not here". Sumo follows him immediately.

They walk a little farther until they're hidden behind the seats of their own dim gymnatorium, assuring their privacy.

"Yeesh. What happened?" He sighs at himself, jokingly. Sumo is unfazed.

"I rescued you from a breakdown. Kinda. Ya know." He shrugs. "I don't think I did much."

"Oh, was that what happened?" He tries to smile through the response, but the blonde starts avoiding his eyes.

"Stop that." It's all he says.

"Please don't think I'm bonkers."

"I wouldn't think that if it weren't true. What the hell were you thinkin'?!"

"Not anything good. That's for sure."

"Are ya fuckin' kiddin' me? I'm serious!" Sumo looks so ferocious in his worry that Jeff thinks he sees fangs whenever the blonde speaks.

"Okay, yeah, whatever! I didn't know what was up so I don't want to fucking bother explaining--"

"Jeff--"

"We're 16. Shit like that happens, Sumo. You better believe it does."

"But it ain't normal." He squints. "You can't just... let it pass like it's nothin'."

"I'm doing better." He says, as if Sumo was dumb enough to believe being better meant shit. "I'm serious. I swear on my life."

"You have to promise that to me," Sumo responds with a scratch to his nape. "These kinds of things, you know-- why would you hide that from me and Clarence?" The crack in his voice holds everything: the hurt and the worry.

Jeff wants to hold himself back from hugging Sumo, but his hands slowly find their way to Sumo's shoulder, just a little bit--

"Don't hug me, man. I can't-- I don't wanna cry." But he doesn't move backward. Jeff doesn't tell him that it's what he thinks he needs, only nods a little and purses his lips when he draws back.

So maybe this is where they're left to call the whole thing off and pretend it never happened.

"I just--" Jeff pinches his eyes shut. "I don't think there's a problem." He thinks his response over again. _It happens all the time. It's not anything new. I can move past this and I know it_. But he doesn't know a thing. He doesn't know how to tell someone he's considered his bestfriend for 7 years something as simple as _I'm messed up and I'm not worth the pity._

"Oh, fuck, Jeff. Do you hear yourself?" Of course he did. Jeff lived that experience and wouldn't ever let it live down. Sumo's brows curl. "You were shivering and crying and breathing so hard that it started to look different. You're fucked up if you think there ain't a problem."

"What are you trying to prove? You see me crying and thrashing in the middle of the night and suddenly you act like you know me so well."

"What the fuck is wrong with ya?!" He hisses. "Does my opinion _mean_ anythin' to you!?" Jeff feels like an asshole, maybe a little worse than he did that night.

"Nothing's wrong with me and that's what I'm trying to say." He lets the words flow out like word vomit. "A little breakdown isn't going to matter to me in the future."

"Fuck, you must think I'm being paranoid. Well, we never know what might happen. That's exactly why I'm tryna talk you into some help because you might need it--"

"Oh, man. Just tell me that you think I'm fucked up for being a teenager!"

"Nobody thinks that! I'm just sayin'--"

"Oh, fuck. _Yes_. I completely understand your point. Jeff's so neat and normal and prissy and annoying but why the fuck would he do that to himself? People need to just-- shut down at one point without having to worry about what other people might think and-- Ugh!" He ruffles his hair. "You could live my life and you still wouldn't understand a single thing I do--"

"I don't have to understand these things to know that you need help, for fuck's sake!" He pretends he didn't shout that, suddenly overwhelmed by his own rage. "...You always act like I don't know shit, man. A lot of times, I don't, but-- I'll still worry. I'll still stay up late in the night wonderin' why you could even _think_  of doin' it when you're _so_ beautiful. I can care about you, Jeff. That's my own fucking right. And you can't tell me you're okay when you fuckin' aren't!"

That's when he feels like he's stopped breathing for a moment. That's when it starts to feel real.

"I know we don't always get along, man. You're probably only here to tell me that it never happened-- that I shouldn't think about it and I should shut my damn mouth. I swear to God, it's fine that you don't want my help, or stuff like that. Ugh, this is weird as hell." He mumbles to himself. "Please tell me you're gonna talk about this to someone. It doesn't have to be me. That doesn't matter. I just want you to be alright."

He's dumbfounded. "O-okay. Alright, Sumo."

He wonders why he didn't say sorry, but thinks again. A sorry would have never sufficed.

Jeff comes down from his own high that day and comes home to stare at himself for three hours on the bathroom mirror. He's got chronic bags under his eyes, pimples between his brows, a perfectly rehearsed smile that immediately shows how much of a delusional neatfreak he is and a mind that screams the fact that he can't love his own body, but he's thinking the same thing Sumo told him a little earlier that day: _You're beautiful._

He smiles. Suddenly he feels like that's the only help he needs.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to you if u enjoyed this confusing mess :^) or if not :^( comments and kudos are much appreciated!!!!!
> 
> give Nicholas Franchise- You Know You're Not Alright a listen if you want 2 set the mood.. dude
> 
> @lyn_6oc on twt


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